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May 27, 2016
Saw my daughter drinking from the milk carton this evening in the same fashion that I had done many times before. She was careful to not touch her lips to the spout, but to simply pour. An odd sense of approval came over me and I said "I see you've learned to drink without dirtying a cup!" I then offered my hand for a high five but she declined, saying she wouldn't want to wake Mama, who was sleeping. We worry ourselves over so many trifling things. And we praise ourselves for so many of the same. What is the purpose of this post? It's a footnote in a chronicle. Maybe one day my spawn will read these pages and have a moment of remembrance. Maybe not.
Jul 22, 2012
Feb 23, 2012
The Questionable Enhancer
There lies within me a dormant volcano of thought and emotion. I only have one guaranteed tool to bring it out and that is drink. I cannot wait it out because I become sleepy. Drink invigorates me and encourages my mind to grow. I know drink has a window of effectiveness... it's almost 2:30 in the morning and i'm sipping my last beer. I could stop and go to sleep now; but I might also go out and get some more... to see what else might be uncovered. Many times I discover nothing, but sometimes, I discover everything. If I don't log the memory, it is usually lost. The drunk mind can be considered somewhat untrustworthy, and for the moment, that is probably true... but it is not incapacitated by fear or prejudice... it is honest and unscrupulous.
What it lacks in civility, it makes up for in authenticity.
Yes it makes me irritable at times and causes me to be unusually lethargic when roused in the morning... but ... it has, on occasion, drawn my mind closer to my spirit. So how can I tell my wife, who has numerous bad associations with the substance, that it can be good? If it had been prescribed by a doctor, I could just read the list of side-effects and she'd be eternally placated. But it's self-prescribed, so I must justify the side-effects, and you can imagine how that talk turns out.
Is there another way to bring about this enhancement without drugs?
What it lacks in civility, it makes up for in authenticity.
Yes it makes me irritable at times and causes me to be unusually lethargic when roused in the morning... but ... it has, on occasion, drawn my mind closer to my spirit. So how can I tell my wife, who has numerous bad associations with the substance, that it can be good? If it had been prescribed by a doctor, I could just read the list of side-effects and she'd be eternally placated. But it's self-prescribed, so I must justify the side-effects, and you can imagine how that talk turns out.
Is there another way to bring about this enhancement without drugs?
Jan 9, 2012
What I Intend to Say to My Children When They Have Grown Beyond My Control and Have Rebuked Me for My Interference
I must add a forethought to this post: my daughter is so unbelievably sweet, I cannot imagine the day that she might rebel against me. From all sources, I ought to prepare for it, but it just doesn't seem realistic at this point.
This post was engendered by a daydream about my son (who has a very exuberant countenance). In this daydream, he was a young man and had finally succeeded in loosening my fatherly grasp.
I told him this: Everything I have ever taught you was to prepare you for life without me. I know that must sound so pompous right now, but you never saw yourself crying in my arms as a baby. The ultimate goal of every unique life is self-sufficiency. Every time you displayed discontent, I tempered my response with the knowledge that being too soft might make you weak to the world, and that being too hard might make you too hard-hearted to be any good to your brethren. Take all of my words in your memory and do what you will. I am not a slavemaster...I have only ever been a guide.
I said this to him in my daydream and the dream faded...
This post was engendered by a daydream about my son (who has a very exuberant countenance). In this daydream, he was a young man and had finally succeeded in loosening my fatherly grasp.
I told him this: Everything I have ever taught you was to prepare you for life without me. I know that must sound so pompous right now, but you never saw yourself crying in my arms as a baby. The ultimate goal of every unique life is self-sufficiency. Every time you displayed discontent, I tempered my response with the knowledge that being too soft might make you weak to the world, and that being too hard might make you too hard-hearted to be any good to your brethren. Take all of my words in your memory and do what you will. I am not a slavemaster...I have only ever been a guide.
I said this to him in my daydream and the dream faded...
Dec 10, 2011
Faith
Matthew 14:22-33 (KJV)
22And straightway Jesus constrained his disciples to get into a ship, and to go before him unto the other side, while he sent the multitudes away.
23And when he had sent the multitudes away, he went up into a mountain apart to pray: and when the evening was come, he was there alone.
24But the ship was now in the midst of the sea, tossed with waves: for the wind was contrary.
25And in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea.
26And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear.
27But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.
28And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.
29And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.
30But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.
31And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?
32And when they were come into the ship, the wind ceased.
33Then they that were in the ship came and worshipped him, saying, Of a truth thou art the Son of God.
If i were to pray of a night, that my wife and daughter come home safely from a trip to buy toys from a craiglist ad, would their fate rest upon my faith? Could the same faithlessness that struck Peter on the water, strike me and cause my desire to run afoul? Who can say? Maybe they'll run into trouble in spite of my prayers and Jesus will thrust out his hand to them. Maybe none of us mortals will notice the trouble and continue living life as if nothing strange had happened. Faith is so conveniently mysterious.
22And straightway Jesus constrained his disciples to get into a ship, and to go before him unto the other side, while he sent the multitudes away.
23And when he had sent the multitudes away, he went up into a mountain apart to pray: and when the evening was come, he was there alone.
24But the ship was now in the midst of the sea, tossed with waves: for the wind was contrary.
25And in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea.
26And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear.
27But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.
28And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.
29And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.
30But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.
31And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?
32And when they were come into the ship, the wind ceased.
33Then they that were in the ship came and worshipped him, saying, Of a truth thou art the Son of God.
If i were to pray of a night, that my wife and daughter come home safely from a trip to buy toys from a craiglist ad, would their fate rest upon my faith? Could the same faithlessness that struck Peter on the water, strike me and cause my desire to run afoul? Who can say? Maybe they'll run into trouble in spite of my prayers and Jesus will thrust out his hand to them. Maybe none of us mortals will notice the trouble and continue living life as if nothing strange had happened. Faith is so conveniently mysterious.
Nov 15, 2011
Uncertainty
I'm not sure there is ever any real certainty in life. Sure, I'm certain when I press on the accelerator that the car will go faster, or that when I open my eyes, a facsimile of the world will appear in my head--catered to my perspective; but if one day one of those 'certainties' should fail to occur, I wouldn't really be surprised. Of course, there would be an initial shock and a sense of disbelief, but it would fade over time and I might realize that the car was out of gas or that I had woken up after trying a sleep mask for the first time. But say the car had gas and I wasn't wearing a sleep mask, isn't there always a slight possibility that they might just 'happen' anyway?
Yes. I subconsciously take for granted that something unusual might happen, while at the same time, taking for granted that everything will probably go just fine. Our decisions are governed by a risk-continuum whose parameters are decided based upon experience and popular lore. Should I go skinny dipping in shark-infested Monterey Bay at night after drinking half a fifth of vodka? Why not? I did it and nothing noteworthy happened. How about moving the family to a tropical environment and getting a decent-paying job with really good benefits? I did it and I hate my life.
I don't see a reliable connection between conscious decisions and their logical outcomes. Oh, you can probably rely on 'good' decisions most times... but not all. Many decisions that come to the forefront of my mind in a given day are received with consideration, and many are not. So how does one decide when a decision requires contemplation and when it does not?
It comes back to the 'gut'. When you know something but when you think about, you realize that you don't really 'know' the first thing about it... but, in some way, you do. It defies rational explanation. It is somehow uncertain to the part of you that thinks, but certain to the part of you that feels.
Yes. I subconsciously take for granted that something unusual might happen, while at the same time, taking for granted that everything will probably go just fine. Our decisions are governed by a risk-continuum whose parameters are decided based upon experience and popular lore. Should I go skinny dipping in shark-infested Monterey Bay at night after drinking half a fifth of vodka? Why not? I did it and nothing noteworthy happened. How about moving the family to a tropical environment and getting a decent-paying job with really good benefits? I did it and I hate my life.
I don't see a reliable connection between conscious decisions and their logical outcomes. Oh, you can probably rely on 'good' decisions most times... but not all. Many decisions that come to the forefront of my mind in a given day are received with consideration, and many are not. So how does one decide when a decision requires contemplation and when it does not?
It comes back to the 'gut'. When you know something but when you think about, you realize that you don't really 'know' the first thing about it... but, in some way, you do. It defies rational explanation. It is somehow uncertain to the part of you that thinks, but certain to the part of you that feels.
Oct 27, 2011
Misunderstanding
When I was a small boy, we lived in Oklahoma. If I was five at the time, it hadn't been for long. My memories of the incident are few, but strong enough to properly convey the incident.
I remember that it was a wedding and all the participants were marching along with excitement. I held them each in my hand and marched them manually down the aisle with great enthusiasm. Only when my mother shouted at me in remonstrance did I have the first clue that I had done something wrong. The wedding-goers were cylindrical and rectangular blocks, and the aisle was the flat, wooden arm of a reclining chair. Each animated step had left the mark of its bearer in the polished wood of the chair. I probably tried to explain my position--and that in toddler vernacular--which might have been solid but for the power-distance between us. In any case, she emerged the victor and the wedding was over.
For years, whenever I would sit in that chair, I'd remember the incident as I fingered the angular and circular indentations. To this day, I feel the tinge of injustice. The obvious question is "Why worry your little head over a matter of such little consequence?" To me... the consequence is greater than what lies on the surface. The real consequence was never the immediate punishment or the bewildered shame I felt; it was the conveyance of the notion that "fair" is a relative term... that the one in power is right by virtue of his power alone.
I still have a hard time wrapping my head around that concept. Now, my Momma's the sweetest lady I know and I'll be the first to say it... but what does that say about the incident at-hand? What does that say about mankind?
I remember that it was a wedding and all the participants were marching along with excitement. I held them each in my hand and marched them manually down the aisle with great enthusiasm. Only when my mother shouted at me in remonstrance did I have the first clue that I had done something wrong. The wedding-goers were cylindrical and rectangular blocks, and the aisle was the flat, wooden arm of a reclining chair. Each animated step had left the mark of its bearer in the polished wood of the chair. I probably tried to explain my position--and that in toddler vernacular--which might have been solid but for the power-distance between us. In any case, she emerged the victor and the wedding was over.
For years, whenever I would sit in that chair, I'd remember the incident as I fingered the angular and circular indentations. To this day, I feel the tinge of injustice. The obvious question is "Why worry your little head over a matter of such little consequence?" To me... the consequence is greater than what lies on the surface. The real consequence was never the immediate punishment or the bewildered shame I felt; it was the conveyance of the notion that "fair" is a relative term... that the one in power is right by virtue of his power alone.
I still have a hard time wrapping my head around that concept. Now, my Momma's the sweetest lady I know and I'll be the first to say it... but what does that say about the incident at-hand? What does that say about mankind?
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